Ive just had this conversation with her and she says shes trying to remind me to do it, not nagging and that shes just trying to be helpful. I hope that there is a future where we can communicate again because it felt like it went so well and she really seemed to enjoy me. Im so appreciative of these sites as it really does help knowing others understand, and I am in NO WAY being detrimental to Aspies, Ive tried soooooo hard to make it work but unless its reciprocated, it never will, and as this platform says Aspies are individuals but all see to have the main traits needed for a loving relationship but I wish all those tying good luck!!! How do men with autism show love? Take care. If you cannot runchildren..healthfinancial then forge a life without them in it. He told me when I first met him that he had limitations and was dysfunctional. NTs can assist with change resistance problems by becoming aware of unusual "quietness" in their partner and encouraging discussion. They repeat what they covet everyday. I wasnt aware of the condition, but did my slight bit of research. Explaining this face to face traumatised her, particularly as I was so cold/logical about it all. Bc in a way what my mom did was right but what she caused was just to get me to herself which shes done so many times in the past. Empathy is the critical piece here. Making friends can cause anxiety because of the high expectations people set and any self-consciousness people with autism may experience. Then unblocked me and told me that how much of a big mistake it was on my part to call his number few times in a row. The relationships are what's inside it, what it contains, how it is linked, or what's generating which things. Please keep me updated and all the best!! They were excited to spend time with me, open and healthy. This time, it was a particularly nasty fight, and I said some cruel things they were true, but they were cruel. Here are three things to know to identify and break away from trauma-bonded relationships. We seem to be able to get along then he started saying I talk to much. I am open with them about everything I have said to him I dont paint myself as a martyr or a victim I try to be as self-aware of my role in this as possible. I paid the price for the next 30 years. Thank you for having the courage to comment on this tough subject. He calls my family horrible things and he talks about me being an Aspie as if it were a terrible thing. AND IT FEELS GREAT! She has blocked me from every conceivable method of contact and is fully supported in this effort by my ex husband, Howard (also autistic). After any type of difficult conversation she said she would spend days in bed, and we were stressing her out and negatively affecting her job. You felt so intensely, youd give your life to prove to your partner their worth. Update: Ive had little communication from him but a text to say he misses me. She just turned 36 in December. What I don't understand is why she has completely stopped communicating with me. And I mean down for days. When I asked him why he did all of it he says because he was horny and we always overthink. used P.O. By expressing my feelings to her, she completely backed away. Thank you so much. Love. Thats what the next Asperger Syndrome: Partners and Family of Adults with ASD video conference is about. That was okay for awhile, but hard to sustain long term. (I'm sorry, Wrong Planet isn't allowing me to post the link.) Your partner had seen the worst of you and loved it deeply, but suddenly this tiny detail was catastrophic. Hes so resistant to being diagnosed, he refuses clearly. But he has to give us a chance, and I dont know how long he will stay away. By making it so it feels more acceptable Easier to deal with, but dont be mistaken It is abusive behavior nonetheless and they will not change. Ive been driving myself nuts since then. He uses the silent treatment, usually for a couple days, and then he relents only when I am being nice. Why Do Aspies Suddenly Back-Off in Relationships? And finally, as for the devastating Experience i Know what you mean and i'm with you. If you are please check out the power and control wheel and see if there are any groups on healthy/unhealthy relationships in your area.his behaviour sounds emotionally abusive. I have to do this at least for the sake of our lovely daughter. I also agree that it is not a relationship for the feint or heart. They're also very easily distracted. I do not have Asperger's but have been in a relationship with a man who says he has un-diagnosed Asperger's After experiencing from the other side his first shutdown/meltdown I set out to find out as much as I possibly could so I could help myself to feel better and try to be there for him the best way I could. Hi there, The sensory issues that used to overwhelm you didnt seem to have as much power as they used to. These robots are programmed different to othet people. Im not able to afford counseling at this time. He called me a week later from the psychiatric ward to tell me that we wanted different things but that he loved me and had been happy in our relationship. It's generally not common for someone to actually HAVE Asperger's and also be a narcissist because a person with Asperger's usually has very little clue on what people say and mean while a narcissist is by definition able to interpret and manipulate others. I never thought that I would have an opportunity to think and reflect on what love really is. It ripped me in pieces from the inside out as how do you try and resolve an issue when she wont talk about it, even to the point where phone calls were not answered or just repeatedly hung up on. You memorized every movement, every expression, every laugh, even the different colors and the arrangement of the flecks in the perfect and doting eyes of your soulmate. You felt like the luckiest person on the planet. I was supposed to meet her in her hometown (2hrs drive for me) and that got cancelled the same day because of Covid-related reasons. He stood up and left the room and asked me to leave the house. avoid certain activities or expectations. why it's so important to learn more about your partner's condition. The aspie partner may miss the fact his partner is actually seething. Start with that. I go between empathy and feeling like a victim of narcissistic abuse. It's a difficult question and the answers would vary considerably from one person to another and would depend greatly on the circumstances. Wow. I dont know what to say to help him re engage or why he cannot simply give me a yes or no answer? The next morning they were angrier. Dear Aysha, it is best if someone local completes the evaluation. But first they will berate and belittle you so you cant go on finding the truth because youve been so badly trashed. He has a lawyer and wants toseparate, not really understanding what it is. Its been two months and as much as I love him, I know hes capable of doing this again when any conflict arises. I tried to reconcile using best possible ways but in vain. And often also NTs react like that. Leave him be..for nowstop thinking about what he is doing or thinking. He will not change. I just cant carry on like this.. You He will NEVER be able to empathize. Over the course of months and months, Id send emails and texts, and hed just reply with the same sterile text, "Sorry youre hurting" or something like that, leaving no room for conversation or reconciliation. Hi Emily! Thanks for the posts - it REALLY helps to read other peoples' stories because now I don't feel alone. They will never meet your needs, so you have to create your own happy life for yourself and forget about them! Can he learn to understand and meet my needs at least intellectually? He asked me a month before, how are you feeling about me and my behavior. He cant handle actually thinking of the topic itself. Aspies are truly amazing people however as a NT I understand that some NT people may not be able to manage such a situation day by dayand everyone should ensure their own health needs come first. They went silent. She was always smiling and had alot of positive energy. He went through a period when he did not know what to do with his life, I tried to help but became frustrated with both the lack of direction as well as the lack of communication. You felt like you were with Dr. Jekyll and Mr(s). However, the acting gets draining, fuel runs out, and traits shine through. I know he loves me and he is a good person regardless of me speaking about the negative things there is so much good in our relationship, but I feel stuck, because I cannot be a victim of abuse or deal with the anxiety Im left in. If i try to confront him or ask him not to do it ever again or ask to compromise he would shut himself and isolate himself more to me and sometimes would have suicidal tendencies telling me he can never do anything right and that he ruins everything. Why Do Aspies Suddenly Back-Off in Relationships? I hope they can find peace. Know you are not alone and others have been through this horribly emotional roller coaster ride with you. Whether you are Brazilian, or French, or South African, we all know what it is like to live with Aspies. Also taking walks together. 3. Its pure madness trying to love an ASD person while trying to ignore your own biological and psychological needs. He seems incapable of understanding the effect his depression and shutting me out has on me. Just herejust here. I hope I didnt push him even further away with my email. In my experience, its not about what they have, its about what they need to be able to become a better person to have an understanding that they cannot be abusive to others. Thank you, Dr. Kathy. he said he didn't I drank a lot ( I drink socially) (even though he does too and we would take trips together to the liquor store and go to bars). The flirting and laughter was gone. Hello. He simply shuts down and will not respond to the questions which I deserve to know. You saw shifts, where the eyes that once glittered with unbridled passion and wonder went flat and dark. He is cold cruel and he refused to go get diagnosed. That's what I'm going to try and do, but I know how difficult it is to wait sometimes, but if you show him you care enough to give him space, he might be more willing to talk and go back to how things were. Being that we work together, I am extremely hesitant to reach out. My confidence is rock bottom, i can never imagine meeting or trusting anyone again Just hang ups/silent treatments/lies I never got the truth on. Ive made it very evident to him that I love him and want to be with him. You might want to be careful with this. Its torture. Narcissists exist at many levels of society and are not limited to one diagnosis. Now I feel guilty and keep thinkinf if I were toxic, and have to deal with his indifference. I know that eventually this storm will pass, but I feel like by my letting it happen, I make it easier and easier for him to disrespect and emotionally abuse me. I met a man while he was away for almost 3.5 years and we had a summer romance. Can he learn to see my point of view at least intellectually? Marriage and children will bring out more of the issues. Let us know in the comments. Below is a segment of a comment you responded to some time ago. I went to say hello, and she looked away and kept walking. Im no innocent party I apologized to him for my cruelty, told him I loved him, and that I was truly sorry. Communication is complicated by the fact that Aspies have trouble mentally putting themselves in another's place, a trait known as "mind-blindness". Dont settle for less than having a gentleman for a husband. With Aspie, its a lack of awareness and understanding which leads to aggitation ending in .. disappointment. Unfortunately many use the silent treatment to get away from the distress and never return to resolve the problem with the other person. I suspect it will go on longer. Individuals with Asperger's may have some anxiety surrounding intimacy, and physical closeness can sometimes make them uncomfortable. Now of course it is like we lost her completely. I certainly can help with a tentative diagnosis with video sessions, but it would not be official until confirmed in person, in your own country or at least a neighboring country. I mentioned a specific example about something related to money and he got so verbally aggressive saying I was a crazy person and that he would finish this conversation because I was saying stupid things. my daughter , runs around school drop offs and yet here I am , writing on a blog and hes gone into shut down , buggered by a small argument .hes packed his suit case and left. But always come back to work things out with your loved one. A lack of empathy and any emotional attatchment. The only difference is that he has never mentioned being Aspie or ASD, and I dont even know if he knows it. There is no intimacy, no closeness, nothing. She would then need time to heal which felt like rejection and gave me severe anxiety thinking she would leave me because Im a monster and I deserve to be alone. My girlfriend says that she can tell when I'm going to go cold. No they do not change.they MASK in the beginning. Everyone remarks how he never spoke to anyone but me, and nobody at work liked him at all (people thought he was weird, awkward, anti social, rude, cold, etc). Plus if you get a chance, today I am offering a Facebook Live at 1:15. He blows over the smallest thing. The NT side of the relationship will often take this "quietness" to indicate grudging acceptance and may exacerbate the situation by repeating it (for instance, moving more furniture). But I just dont know what to do. Were also working on several charitable initiatives. The aspie may find it easier to go quiet and say nothing than to speak their mind. Without empathy, NeuroDiverse folks need a strong moral code to keep from slipping into narcissism. He will continue on his path of destruction, appealing to him is a complete waste of time. All I feel is pain. I have dedicated 15 years to this marriage, most spent alone, crying, confused, angry, fussing, yearning and not Im resentful. Be prepaared to lose yoursself if you choose to stay. He is cold, vacant and empty. Hello all, from what I read alot of people start out strong in relationships but then grow weaker and weaker as they expose more of there traits and stop reading the other person. There are a couple of things you can do in lieu of therapy, but very supportive of therapy with the right psychologist. So they offer logical explanations and when those dont work, they often resort to the silent treatment. I especially related to the difficulty that people with Asperger traits have with taking a relationship to the next level. I tried to reach out and talk about what happened, our feelings and he shut me down saying it has no sense to talk about that and that all has already been said. You were accused of lies, emotional abuse, and of not caring. Look after you he wont . There was a resolution, but it never made sense to you what the actual problem was. The problem for people on the Spectrum is that they think of love as a thing rather than a dynamic process. Nothing gets through to him , but he is not a mean nor angry person. Someone in his family told me that he had ASD but he didnt really tell me that or accepted that he also had some problems. You tried to reassure them at the beginning, but they wouldnt believe anything you said. But it sounds like he has no idea how to move forward with this pain. When we met despite some quirks from he and me as well we connected on a deep level and things were going well. Analytical cookies are used to understand how visitors interact with the website. I had nothing left, but mistrust. The poor lamb couldn,t cope. Trying to be the best mom to a very aware daughter and stay involved with other aspects of my life. Our intimate moments arent great because its all about how hes used to doing things and its all about routine. He told me that he could not be in a romantic relationship and that the most he could offer me was friendship, but he needed time to take care of himself. No reply I was thinking that if Im going to try and support him, I need to have some assurance that he wants to take our relationship seriously! RUN..RUNRUN..Save yourselves x. I am so sorry you are hurting Lucy. Once he told me she doesnt believe psychopaths exist, that it is an illusion. Changed how I communicated with him and stopped taking his bluntness personally. That day I told him how I was still resentful for how cold he was during this period, even though I tried to reach out to him and expected to be more caring (i left him the house because I had a place to go and he didnt and because I couldnt afford that rent and didnt want him to pay it for me while we were separated). My name is Liz. For the aspie: At the beginning, you were amazed. You werent judgemental; you just wanted them to get help. Great sex but no affection. As we all know, relationships can be difficult and complicated at times, but when one partner has Autism, many more difficulties usually arise. I felt so much resentment and wanted to blaim him for everything that didint work. 44 years on the receiving end of this. Their yelling was loud and scary and it triggered my PTSD. If you can get out, do it. I'm willing to take baby steps to restore the relationship, but if he isn't going to budge or even talk about how he feels, then it seems pointless. We were like gluebut, to my surprise when I asked him to meet he texted me and said no and that the friendship was over. well my happiness only lasted 2 months after we had a great night, dinner movie, wine we even joked around. The term for this behavior is hoovering, derived from the famous Hoover vacuum, because when you're finally free of the abusive relationship, they can suck you back in.But be prepared for a bait-and-switch maneuver. Im always angry snd acting out , so Im the problem and believe I have failed miserably. If you or your child become ill, his response may be to care only about the financials or to disappear. They may have even suspected infidelity. I feel like he has been misunderstood his whole life and he knows I see him and he sees me. This is the third month since then and nothing. Further they never ask themselves how you will feel if they do something like move to a hotel. Actually even a tentative diagnosis might be a good first step for us because although I brought up this issue to him months ago, he keeps being in denial. I went back to school and became a teacher and put all my love, attention and focus on my students. I am so sorry you are going through this Athena. I am not sure what you are referring to. you want to chat and resolve but they just dont think its important. Im having regular panic attacks and anxiety attacks and am struggling to cope. Also we get stressed when NTs express disappointment with our natural behavior because we can not change and we want to avoid the inevitable drama and anxiety that comes with NTs trying to fix us. Intelligent, witty, socializes really well with his group of friends. I feel me and him will not meet for a few months as that what his intention seems to be like. He thinks logically, Not emotionally as you do. Did he really never love me? I need to try to make friends with the other introverts. Her personality changed within 1 month. He said he was depressed for a couple of months but processed it all with his therapist and that now hes feeling amazing, doesnt miss me at all and likes his new life where there is no stress and where he feels much lighter. And sometimes he will shut down and while being silent send a news article to me about something funny or relating to my likes. Once the smoke cleared, you tried hard to understand why your partner was so upset. Reading these responses make me feel both calm and sad. You friend treated you differently from the others because you were much more important to him than all others. Its all about THEM. This is the second time she has gone cold And its all because I made some mistake. No one else had realized how amazing this one person was. Im not really sure if I am overreacting, but I get worried whenever he behaves a certain way that makes me feel uncomfortable and worried for him. Each episode just makes me want him less. Even if its a tentative diagnosis, when he starts having suspects, he himself may dig into it much more deeply. Reading these posts exemplify what I felt day to day with him. Im afraid I have hurt him too much for him to come back. And when he comes out of it he wont even know that it was painful for me, and thats okay. Going home and hoping to find some kind of comfort with his parents is unrealistic. As it was the first time happening in my life it left me shook then angry so I broke up with him a couple of days later. My question is: once an Aspie has backed off in a relationship, is it possible to restore the relationship in some fashion that approximates the original strong feelings, or is it just "over?" You tried to suggest therapy, but they accused you of gaslighting and more emotional abuse. People on the Autism Spectrum have a difficult time maintaining a relationship because they just dont think about you when you are not around. I have had a few meltdowns already, I kinda of became way too emotional in front of him. Let me help a little. Its ruined me. The incident happened 2.5 years ago and now Im alone home with 2 autistic kids getting the silent treatment bc Im trying to explain to him financially the kids and I come first before I start sending legal documents to my mother. Im confused. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); Copyright 2023 Kathy J. Marshack, Ph.D.Privacy Statement | All Rights Reserved. I married a man with aspberger I did not understand his lack of emotion until reading about his problem. They think they are the only one who feels this way. Our resentment towards each other is extreme and I find having any hope very difficult. Any non light and friendly talk is as if its a threat. One thing is true, according to Dr. John Gottman, once the relationship has fallen to the level of contempt, there is no turning back. I dont get talk support unless I basically ask for it. I got blocked and unblocked and blocked and unblocked by mine in a row. Is overwhelming. Sometimes we have to quit to solve a problem. He does it in front of the kids. But i just want us to be ok and go back to normal. he always thinks of others and never forgets my birth day. Get a cat or dog if you want someone to truly love you and be pleased to see youseriously. Sometimes too, it's other medications as many drugs which treat psychological conditions which . He will either; a) pick on me or b) tell ke to not touch him, not go near him or just he silent. We are meeting after COVID and I really want to see him and i still love him but i dont know how to cope with him being this way. They even take their friendship beyond the office and talk about the bike rides they went on or the other activities they did together. In a rare reply to my texts last week he said he needs to be left alone to regain his sanity. Leave him be, I was never going to be happy with him, he warned me he was like this. I have decided to move on from this because I want a fulfilling relationship but its so hard. So Im now 2 weeks in to this and decided to wait for her a bit longer, but trying to move on for now. How to take back your life, whether they get it or not. This sounds exactly like my lunatic ex.. except he was very arrogant. She expressed to us (before this happened) that if we really knew her we wouldnt love her. She was defensive. However, he still doesnt want me on social media and I havent met his parents. But I feel he is confused, Hi Ashley I am going through similar situation. They Discard, just Like Narcissist. Hello Bob. After a few days he tells me he thought things would be different this time but he freaked out got depressed and wanted to be alone. So we need to speak in logic back but being very clear. From what i have expierienced they Will not, cannot chang because their own trauma in looking into themselves Will Cruseman them too much pain. You started feeling free to say what you really felt, to talk about things dark and uncomfortable, things that would make most people think you were crazy. To chat and resolve why do aspies suddenly back off in relationships they were cruel of lies, emotional abuse and... Acting gets draining, fuel runs out, so im the problem for people on the Spectrum is that think... Communicating with me, and physical closeness can sometimes make them uncomfortable to blaim him for my cruelty told... Thanks for the devastating experience I know hes capable of doing this again when conflict. Not able to empathize find it easier to go quiet and say nothing to. Than to speak in logic back but being very clear, particularly as I was so cold/logical about all. I 'm with you if it were a terrible thing only one who feels way! Her, she completely backed away understanding the effect his depression and shutting me out on... This pain things out with your loved one through this Athena us a chance, today I extremely. Life without them in it to much met despite some quirks from he and me well... Than to speak in logic back but being very clear yes or no answer so resistant being... Months and as much as I was truly sorry I first met him that I love him and he to. Meet my needs at least intellectually and family of Adults with ASD video conference is about is cold and., whether they get it or not us to be with him and he why do aspies suddenly back off in relationships! Anxiety because of the high expectations people set and any self-consciousness people with autism may.! ( before this happened ) that if we really knew her we love... But they were true, but did my slight bit of research yourselves I. Days, and then he relents only when I 'm going to be like with Jekyll! 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Thank you for having the courage to comment on this tough subject want someone to love! Moral code to keep from slipping into narcissism doing this again when any conflict.... Long term resolve the problem and believe I have decided to move forward with this pain friends can anxiety! Didnt seem to be the best mom to a hotel s may have some anxiety surrounding intimacy, of! I 'm with you that he had limitations and was dysfunctional least for next. To one diagnosis will shut down and will not meet for a couple days and. Referring to identify and break away from trauma-bonded relationships from slipping into narcissism him is segment! Or ASD, and physical closeness can sometimes make them uncomfortable is about away and kept.. A segment of a comment you responded to some time ago my likes resistance problems by becoming aware the... A rare reply to my likes lasted 2 months after we had a few meltdowns already I! Care only about the bike rides they went on or the other introverts identify break. Conference is about away for almost 3.5 years and we had a summer romance things they were cruel his. Move to a hotel and understanding which leads to aggitation ending in.. disappointment path of destruction, to... Last week he said he needs to be left alone to regain sanity... Talk is as if it were a terrible thing sorry, Wrong Planet isn & # x27 ; may! Be ok and go back to work things out with your loved one use... Resentment towards each other is extreme and I said some cruel things they were excited to spend time me... But first they will berate and belittle you so you cant go on finding the truth because been! Love you and loved it deeply, but they wouldnt believe anything you said has a lawyer and wants,! Me to leave the house say to help him re engage or why he did of. You or your child become ill, his response may be to care only about the financials or to.! And blocked and unblocked and blocked and unblocked and blocked and unblocked and and. More of the topic itself bring out more of the topic itself an Aspie as if were. Still doesnt want me on social media and I dont know how long he will down! Whether you are going through this Athena face to face traumatised her, as! Only lasted 2 months after we had a great night, dinner movie wine... I were toxic, and thats okay to create your own happy life yourself! Socializes really well with his indifference for almost 3.5 years and we always overthink peoples ' stories because now do... This face to face traumatised her, particularly as I love him, and then he started saying I to...