Your daughter is. This family members basically told me their relationship with him has nothing to do with how he treated me during the divorce or our divorce at all. Am I wrong to want my family to be loyal to me. I still have to tell my daughter that even though they are aware of what he did to her, they invited him to the weddings that we will now be unable to attend and try to explain something I dont understand myself. She is best friends with my ex, and she fully supports her like SHE is her family and Im the outsider. She is. I searched for what to do when your family stays in contact with your ex. Childrens and Parenting Issues after Divorce, Conflict & Parenting: Customize Your Post-Separation Parenting Relationship, Customize Your Post-Separation Parenting Relationship, Children's and Parenting Issues after Divorce, 10 Tips for a Lasting Relationship After Divorce. All are grown adults, respect each others opinion to disagree. He calls my ex all the time to talk to my daughter. And this is the trouble they are convinced we are the problem and we kind of know its off but we sort of end up believing it for a while and so we torture ourselves. You deserve better. But if youre a year down the line and he still hasnt introduced you to his friends and family? But just so that you know, there is a way to put an end to this nonsense. I get that he is her husbands brother but she embraces his girlfriends when they come to her house. I am tired of being treated like dirt!!!! My Neice just got married. That was my other issue about it.is that the whole thing kind of prevents the new partner from being incorporated in a way that feels like theres enough space for them. To be honest it sounds sort of weird that he is that close to them and sounds like hes got some issues. I explained to her thati need a safe support space separate from him. Went through a similar thing with my family. When his male friend from work calls, your boyfriend has no problem taking the call in front of you. No child is going to grow up healthy and adjusted when one of the exes is a manipulative a*hole that garners sympathy and pretends to be the victim even if the other puts bitterness aside at been treated so soul destroyingly by their family of birth. Its not okay for them to have family fun with your whole family and you ex and his new girlfriend minus you. As your bf if there is any particular reason theyre so close to Nina. A message on Facebook? Please remember that none of these options have to be forever. Im going through the same thing and its extremely painful. What adult children need to understand through their breakup is to beat the consequences of their decisions to marry and human weaknesses( whatever caused the breakup) He said, everyone said you were going to take money, I said, funny, you were the one that did, I was trying to be fair. They didnt live with him 24/7. Don't try to stop their friendship, just look for some options for the two of you so you can feel more confident. Regardless of whether she is a pleasant person or not, ex shouldnt be included in family type events. Then overnight or, after a long, drawn out painful divorce, the EX is supposed to be treated as a criminal. My daughter needs me more than I need my mom. You need to put her in her place and tell your mom and everyone else to respect you because once they an EX its an EX! But I was good. While youre not exactly unreasonable to have feelings like this, it is unreasonable that because youve divorced someone that youre expecting your family to not communicate with them anymore. Your sister lived the reality. She told me that I needed to get him away from his father because she was afraid he would do something because he was so depressed. If anyone hurt my loved ones, Like he hurt me, I wouldnt give them the time of day!!!! And the reason I let him into my family space? I know how you are feeling , its kind of like betrayal. I can understand if he was just a ex, but you have children together. I feel sorry for my ex husbands new partner because she will sadly see the light in the long run. And of course it doesnt go the other way around. The safety and comfort of your family might be the catalyst for this new and evolved relationship you can have with your ex, for your childrens sake. In other words he was spreading lies about me to my family! How disrespectful and unloyal of you to do this to your sister!! I am sure you love them as I did mine and because you would never make them feel bad or not be there for them you presume they will do the same but not everybody has the same heart or courage as you or your best interests in mind. NO, you are NOT being unreasonable they are being unfaithful untrustworthy pieces of lying **** i dont like that one bit!! Its where Im at now. You're also telling him that you don't fully trust him. Please validate my feelings. His sister and his ex are spending more and more time together. Your are one of the last people left that lets there kids live there life and be happy. Lets suppose you just entered into a relationship with a guy who seems to be doing all the right things, such as: Its as if he routinely does all the right things. She even calls her "Mom." No way girl! They cant read your mind and probably dont know how betrayed you feel, This has happened to me only my ex husband works with my neice of who now sees her as his second daughter . It doesnt necessarilymean anything bad. I understand that this was his second family who he spent over 2 decades with and loves dearly and him wanting to stay close to them, however his ex and him are not cordial with each other at all. My mom pushes him on my brother and his family, my aunts and uncles and anyone else she can. or is this still happening? The two dads are killing it, wonderful for that little girl). I dont know how to start new posts about daughters disowning fathers. There needs to be compromise and understanding on both sides. If they still choose to be friends with him, they have made a conscious decision whose side they are on. All the years of marriage, I kept all the hurt and problems to myself. He never liked my mom and would complain about her constantly. And like I said, I had to give a simple answer: Yeah, hes still thinking about his ex.. This can be difficult for Everyone. When I found out, it hurt as much or more than when I originally found out my wife was having sex with other married men. You are literally piling judgement and shame on people who have already lost a husband (yes we grieve even though we decided to leave) and pretty much their whole family. Just as he promised, I had custody for the first 2 years, but he filed lie after lie with the court daily, weekly, monthly until he obtained full custody of our children then just 2 and 6 years old. That is supposed to be your family not his. Everyones able to grow emotionally. Recently, She also got a new boyfriend so was no longer in need of our services. There is absolutely no acknowledgement of anyone elses behaviour being a problem just mine and this is the problem at the heart of all dysfunctional families you are not allowed to speak of the dysfunction but should it really be so surprising? He and I got a divorce not he, me and our families. Its called DIVORCE people. I'd mention it to Tom if it bothers you. My ex disabled the car, emptied the bank accounts, locked me out of my own home, behaved threateningly with shotguns, made me believe my pets were at risk, threatened my new partners ex family etc but then told blatant lies or made excuses. Unfortunately, both me and my spouse are hurt. We only came back last year because she had moved. Some reflection on what his extended family situation is should provide you with more in depth answers. My kids are now 17 and 19 and I support them 100% (less the $100 a week he is court ordered to give) including their college education, their home, transportation and clothes on their back. I feel so much for you. However, as time goes on I see them looking at you as unreasonable. Id be saying something to my family and if they cant see where they are wrong in this and cant see how this affects you on such a deep level, then I think something far more is going on inside your family. Two baseball teams do not share the same coach. So I started talking to him about it and he said he doesnt want me to talk about her anymore. Shes overstepped too much and shared personal information regarding me to my inlaws. That also means your family has to go through this process as well unfortunately. I havent spoke to my 2 sisters in 4 years. Reproduction in whole or in part without prior written permission is prohibited. I think its bullshit that someone has to cut ties with everyone just because the dumper wants to be free. "text": "You need not be friends with your ex for better co-parenting. I am now left with how to carry on with 2 children with upcoming major events In their life and having such hate toward their father. There is no more middle ground, i have to choose between fake family love, continual ignoring of real grand child on one side versus avoiding family get togethers at the expense of my teenage child who has no clue about this. Why cant he live his own life?!? Anything's possible, if you just talk about it. They are treating him as part of the family. There is a difference. Apparently his ex had family issues so she clung to his. This is real. At my daughters high school graduation my ex father-in-law tried to engage me in cordial conversation. Do I just give in and be miserable or choose to be happy and not go to family functions? so Im having to keep my distance which is killing me. In this case, you should be happy that hes being a good father. Whats the fuss about! It helped me to look back and realise that ever since my parents split up my Dad had treated us very shabbily and contributed a great deal to me developing severe mental health problems that i still struggle with. Her family should be emotionally supporting her, having parties and family events with her and her kids. He said he was working on himself as he went through several women and moved in with the last one months after meeting her. Now she tells everyone how her son isnt talking to her, cut her out of his life and its killing her. weddings, parties, family functions. I will never have the relationship that I used to have with my family and some of them, not all, realize that boundaries would have made the whole situation a whole lot better. We had no children and its not normal or natural for a family to take sides, especially with someone not a blood relative. I dont talk to or see my family anymore. When a guy feels depressed the minute his ex is dating someone else, I guarantee thats one hundred percent a sign that hes not over her yet. I feel as if that grandchild is much more important to my mother than her new one. They were ho,ding you back from growing and succeeding. The almighty loves everyone regardless and unconditionally. Its called the consequences of getting married. I understand what she is going through and I kinda agree with you % they should cut ties with the exssorry doesnt make any differences if they are good or badits truly disrespectful for siblings. I never thought id lose my family either. Your Mum says she didnt want to hurt your feelings but if that were true she wouldnt be behaving how she is behaving! My brother called me to let me know this was going to happen. The trouble is is that they dont have the empathy or emotional intelligence to doubt themselves and they are not mature enough to consider that perhaps a lot of the problem is the way they are behaving! You should read before commenting. Its been stress, drama, mentally, financially, legally, caused by her. Wow, that is a really messed up situation that you are dealing with. That you're his partner now, and you don't like being made to feel like a spare wheel. We have been married for nine. Thank you fort he article, I was so embarasses because I thought I was the only one and that what am going through is not normal. So sorry to hear I am not alone. I dont mind not only do I not mind I encourage it.. just because our 12 year relationship ended in a rather fucked up way. Truth is always best when served direct. It wouldnt go over well at all, but is that what it would take? To me this is dysfunctional, cold, and uncaring of how you feel and what this does to you on every front. When other people add judgement to an already hurting reality, it only makes it worse. My daughter divorced about 7 years ago when their child was about 2. I am ready to let go of my anger about this. Her advice, I need to focus on my kids succeeding and pull myself together because I am all they have and to break ties with them forever as they will only continue to cause me more hurt. Your sentiments match mine to a T! I just dont understand. You are unreasonable. In marriage, I had a sense of loyalty, I never went to my family and bad mouthed my spouse and told them all his shortcomings. I hope she gets help & realizes its not healthy what her family & ex are doing. Whatever you do dont become negative or complain about things. Ill tell my bf. We were married only cause a piece of paper said we were. I ask my siblings to let go of my ex family or let go of me. What was I supposed to do? Who Is Naomi Osakas Boyfriend? (I was single at the time.) It was he11 on Earth. He says that I have nothing to worry about but that I should never tell him who he can be friends with because that won't work. My own family only met him a few times before he went to prison Anyway, long story short, part of my family remained in contact and thinks he is a great guy for whatever reason. Now, if your ex were abusive, if you had concerns that your children werent safe around him, or if he were a criminal that would be something else entirely. What he doesnt realize is that he is hurting his children because he is hurting you and knowingly coming in between you and your family..unless he is a complete moron, he knows exactly what he is doing. Going through something similar now. Fill in this form and you'll get instant access: Tim Veninga is a dating coach, relationship coach and bestseller author. The first half hour of any social interaction is her re-hashing bad blood, ancient slights, etc. But I wont let it make me disloyal in return. That you should basically suck it all up that there should be no revision at all regarding your exes or your families behaviour? I thought I was alone until I found these posts. This has to be extremely confusing and painful for your children as well. Let them know it makes you uncomfortable and hurt that they keep embracing him as part of the family. Drag him to every family event you an. I actually has concluded that we are done from this marriage, but I took a second thought when I got home, I REALIZED THAT IF i SHOULD LEAVE, THEN MY HUSBAND WOULD NOT HESITATE TO GET MARRIED BACK TO HIS EX WIFE. And he said see I told you , you wouldnt understand. I dont get to see my little niece or nephew grow. Because I kept talking about his ex. Its not on them to always reach out. The time with your kids has been split. You are asking for some secular conditions on a relationship that was probably made under religious terms. Practically, I could see it made sense . And move on! I was fine losing them since I was going to rebuild my life anyway. How would they feel if this child was in a relationship like that? The 2 crucial factors that determine whether him being in touch with his ex is something bad or if its nothing to worry about. We have now been divorced for 10 years and I am remarried and my ex has made a point to visit and contact my parents. They'll help reassure you, and perhaps the two of you can brainstorm a solution. OMG! by By Carolyn Hax, Advice Columnist | Columnist. Well, I thought it was heading in the right direction, but lately, hes been very depressed. He was also invited over to my sisters for Christmas and my husband and I had dinner at our house. I think family should support you. Since 1996 Divorce Magazine has been the Internet's leading website on divorce and separation. I still love them in a way but I am at peace with it now and like you I realised how unhealthy our family dynamics were after spending time with my new husbands family. Hes in it for the gain of what my mother will leave him. When I needed them the most, I feel they completely let me down. We didnt have children either but they still said he was part of the family and they saw me as being over dramatic etc. As time went on, I noticed that my sister (and her husband and kids) still stayed pretty close to my ex. I have told him that its painful for me to see her accepted as a member of the family and that he still has a close relationship with her. Thank you for this. And it DOES NOT mean that he wants to go back together with her either. Reply to Chris Chris. They should not be including him in family gatherings. My heart aches for you. I dont like who I am or how I feel around him. Man its sad seeing comments saying the family is out of line. My life is richer now, although we arent monetarily close towe have what we need. But its been very weird lately with how his son been acting towards me. Be the first to know what's trending, straight from Elite Daily. When you having Thanksgiving with your kid alone. Exactly the same thing happened to me about 15years ago, my ex could not let go after our separation and divorce, her manipulative behaviours destroyed my family relationships and I am now cut off from from 2 of my siblings. thats there brother inlaw. All that stated, it sounds like you miss your family and life is short so repair what you can and make the most of it. Stay strong in who you are. I even think something happened between ex and my sister. no .. but it still boils down to respect, and what you allow I think its too late for to me to make any changes. That was one of the hardest Thanksgivings for me. It is sick. Who needs family as weak as they seem to be? I imagine you must feel like they are not fully supportive of your wishes and feelings, and I empathise fully with you x, I have been in an extremely abusive, and toxic marriage for 2 years now. You having to be in uncomfortable situations with your ex husband/wife is going to happen and your going to have to deal with it in one way or another. Id be super pissed. It could be worse . Be strong! "name": "Does it hurt to hear your ex, kids and family do things together? But I guess I feel guilty because my brother died and Im the only one left and my dad will be 80 and who will take care of them. boyfriend said no that was a friend of minehe call me sabrina while we were having sex one time .i told him i didnt want 2 c him any more he got super mad bout that said he was delusional.on his Facebook account the one i was block on ,there a sabrina he told me he didnt know a sabrina .so i broke it off , i felt he been cheating but didnt have all the facts yet . My kids are grown. The older children cant stand any of them and say they are jeoulous of me . My mom then went on to tell me that I was supposedly the love of his life and that for the sake of the kids we all need to get together for them. He sounds like a nice guy that they want to be around. She will volunteer it. Have you considered that perhaps getting divorced was a mistake? . So my mom has a really really nice house and shes letting them live there with her 4 kids because they were homeless. So you can be that heartless as not to relate with someones feeling. If they don.t stop the madness and disrespect, join a group with common interests and get yourself a new family. I tried to get them to have a relationship with him. }, March 26, 2016 531 Comments Categories: Children's and Parenting Issues after Divorce, Coping with Divorce, Inspirational Stories and AdviceTags: Children and Divorce, Co-Parenting after Divorce, Coping with Divorce, Divorce Recovery. Maybe try explaining how you feel to your ex and family members about how you feel. thank you dr peter . How do I know when hes ready for a new relationship? All these ignorant people soothing and comforting you are ignorant to your covert narcissist bullshit, but there will always be woke/enlightened empaths such as myself that will set free all the unfortunate souls that you put in a box via compartmentalization for a never ending source of narcissistic supply. My heart breaks for her everyday and I worry about her constantely. He is divorced a year but is still friends with his ex wife. I was absolutely heartbroken and also full of anger. I do believe my ex has some kind of all ulterior motive to make my life unhappy since his life is crappy. It is not about either of you now. Plus, we all hang out a lot and he was able to see that my actions matched my words. I have to question why your family members are participating with him to hurt you like this. It appears that everyone else in your family really loves your ex except for you. I am in a very similar situation. Just what happens after a decade or so. Her ex has HIS family or his new girlfriends family to spend the holiday with. what goes on in his home stays there and what goes on in yours also stays there.. not easy to be firm, but worth it keep smiling, stay strong realize some people are just good manipulators he did manipulate you right? You presumably made the decision? I immediately filed for divorce. I told my mother. She responded and told me that yes, he would be there. It makes you question your worth as a human being, if your own parent wont support you then you must be garbage right? And thats how I felt. Its not about you!!! Divorce is one of the most hardest thing youll do & then to end up that you have no family! My sister became more friendly with my ex once we were divorced and my mother has him come to stay with her. This is all a story of my reality. Right now Im working through drafts of a declination letter to my cousins wedding, and I know that it will just make me look worse. He abused me emotionally and physically. They have already hurt you and now you need to stop re hurting yourself with that hurt if that makes sense. Having first hand experience with someone diagnosed with a personality disorder, things like narcissism might be an easy label to help ease you own pain, but require an in person professional diagnosis. She tagged him and my neice in a post on Boxing Day of how well they work together . It bothers me too, because I feel that his brother has not accepted me into the family, as he is still on his ex-wifes team. No matter who left who the end of a marriage is painful and I can tell you from first hand experience that having your family still show affection to your ex and take sides is heartbreaking. I was clear if it was going to be divorce then she could take anything she wanted I never wanted to see her again. January 16, 2020 at 4:30 a.m. Dear Amy: My boyfriend and I have been together for three months. The first point I'm making here is that your boyfriend may still feel love for his ex in some way . We had a daughter and son. He gets upset when his ex is dating someone new 5. And no she cant make her family choose, however, shes is their mother and full time care giver, is she is well supported and feels safe emotionally and mentally THEN the kids will be in a better position. And not just my mother but my aunt, grandmother, and my brother. He agreed, but still, would fly her and my daughter down to his place for the weekend. All of her family and friends have completely cut ties with me, which I expected. That is true for you. There is no one to mediate and none of his family talk about their problems the way I was brought up to do. 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