Earlier I was thinking, what does she mean, a promise to take care of his mother? She says he's lazy and stupid and selfish and all kinds of other things that just aren't true. Good luck. As long as your partner tries their best, it would be best not harshly to criticize them. Get her somewhere with regular care or take care of her, just quit using her for her money. Tell her to reframe, tell her not to welsh on her MIL, tell her its the price she pays for being family and getting a free house, but why is it so wrong to do it with with a different tone? Ok. No problem. We bought the entire building because the owner was selling it. They probably werent stationed anywhere near the MIL so her condition was a surprise. But the tone in my response was inspired and informed by the tone in the letter (which I thought was a lot crueler/ unkind/ unsympathetic than my response and most of the responses Im seeing in the comments), but for what its worth Im glad there are dissenting opinions in the comments and that the LW is getting at least a little range of responses. Unless it was an emergency out of my control, I wouldnt stay overnight in a hotel with my child that I hadnt researched thoroughly, let alone move him into a home for many months whose state I was completely unaware of. Marriage brings two individuals in love together. For instance, your partners appreciate kids, but you dont. If couple activities were a part of your marriage and you stopped doing them because of busy work schedules, it may be the reason you have started to dislike your husband. Someone just left it carelessly, is all, and the configuration of the kitchen meant you could come around the corner without seeing it. When my husband was two, she gave him weed to try to get him to go to sleep, and saw nothing wrong with being naked around him and allowing other females to be naked around him clear up to his teen years. But relationships go both ways, and I think all parties need to give a little. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3411865/, https://www.researchgate.net/publication/263492646_His_and_her_marriage_expectations_Determinants_and_consequences, https://www.nbcnews.com/better/pop-culture/how-thoughtful-communication-can-improve-your-marriage-according-divorce-attorney-ncna872661, https://www.researchgate.net/publication/226267616_Dysfunctional_relationship_beliefs_in_marital_conflict, What to do when you dont like your husband, 18 likely reasons why you hate your husband, 5 helpful ways to stop hating your husband, Spice up Your Day With Cute Relationship Memes for Your Partner, The Importance Of Maintaining Healthy Family Relationships, 35 Relationship Goals for Couples & Tips to Achieve Them, 25 Common Marriage Problems Faced by Couples & Their Solutions, 50+ Best Funny Marriage Advice: Finding Humor in Commitment, 50 Best Things to Talk About With Your Boyfriend. It is simply about being able to express your thoughts honestly and openly to your spouse. She used to live with us and didnt treat me well. bricklink greef karga. How come you suddenly dislike your husband or slowly hating my husband? June 18, 2015, 10:40 am. I think this letter writer is giving off the impression of being a bit self-centered and entitled and it might be helpful to point this out to her. Dear Wendy Making you his main priority and breaking away from his family is, in the end, his decision. (Little sis called CPS on my father at age 14, claiming he was physically abusing her, which is absolutely not true, and put herself in to foster care. something random something random I dont remember much of it since I was so young, but from what I hear now as an adult it was really difficult to physically be able to take care of her. Its really not that hard. Clearly, she does not seem capable of living alone without some care. All Im saying, a lot of this responses are piling on the LW and telling her to have sympathy for her MIL (which is true, she needs to find that and take on a more compassionate view of the situation) while at the same time being pretty unsympathetic to what the LW is going through. I agree. Whadda hypocrite! 2. Her husbands promise isnt a promise, its a life sentence. It may be that her attitude needs some adjusting, perhaps due to the immediate stress of the babys impending arrival. What am I presuming about you exactly? It's also very difficult to blame others when we're using I-Statements. There is a picture of myself and my grandma when I was about 4, so right after her stroke, and we are baking and placing M&Ms on some cookies about to go in the oven. Giving these up takes away some of the excitement from your relationship. If so, Id say you need to prioritize finding a job for yourself and making some money so that you can get your own place at some point. Just really need to rant. But she married her husband and he comes with her mother. She definitely needs to be called on that. It will complicate your marriage more. Hiring live in care, or convincing your MIL to move to an assisted living center nearby where she can be taken care of by people who are equipped to do so may be the most benefical to everyone, particularly her. If you cant pinpoint the cause you dislike your husband, check the following possible reasons why you hate your husband: Communication goes beyond what you engage in with friends and co-workers. How come you suddenly dislike your husband or slowly hating my husband? Its easy to shift blame to others. Like, angled so that the blade was over the edge of the counter, almost parallel to the counter. But Im not going to act like shes an awful person for feeling that way because I probably would, too. I understand that she must have felt desperate, but shes calling out her MIL for having bad judgment (as a mother and grandmother), when it seems like the LWs judgment is questionable, too. If you listen to more of these unpleasant experiences or witness them, it may affect your perception of a healthy marriage. 7. I also know that its easy to talk about hiring care takers, but reality is that home care is very expensive and often difficult to get reimbursed by insurance. That would help a lot with the hygiene. Imagine how shocking it is to hear some wives say, I hate my husband so much. What could be the reason for this statement, and what can you do? For a few weeks or months. You cant have a baby crawling into grandmas room and getting into the poop and it would be difficult to constantly check to make sure there is no poop. Skyblossom You respect your partner by recognizing they are different from you through their opinions, experiences, and values. We have been together for about 13 years, married for 3. I grew up in a family that didnt make the human body sinful or sexual in nonsexual situations. Ive seen some wonderfully compassionate but at the same time get-your-shit-together blunt responses to folks who needed to be knocked upside the head multiple times, and Im not sure why those morons deserve the compassion but this lady does not. My mother really really hates my husband, Mike*. However, don't dwell much on it. Love is what we expect in a marriage, so a dislike for our spouse makes us anxious and stressed. Knowing the specific reasons can save your marriage, whether he stopped sending flowers or stopped going on regular dates. We made long-term goals together like engagement, marriage, kids, the whole 9. I think the usual rule with inlaws should be that the blood child is the one who manages the relationship, and I think the husband needs to do a better job managing Moms expectations as well as the LWs. LW sounds like she is living in an abusive and unsanitary environment. Much of the therapy I do with these particular patients involves forcing them to confront the deficits that they refuse to see in themselves since their strokes. She always signed my birthday cards, but it wasnt legible because she couldnt write. ? FiL has some nerve lecturing LW about broken promises when he is the one that (presumably) vowed before God to take care of MIL through sickness and in health. No matter how much you love your spouse, there will be days when you hate their guts. Raccoon eyes Now Im not reeling from yesterdays letter (I didnt have time) but as far as entitlement goes its one thing to think youve made an arrangement that is mutually beneficial for everyone involved, its another to realize youve signed on to be the tenet and care-taker for the landlord from hell for the next few decades. I Hate My Husband: The Reasons Why When a couple gets married they imagine that they will be loving and happy during their life. Because with or without LW and husband physically living in the house, mothers life doesnt sound so great, especially compounded by whatever lingering issues from the past stroke, etc. The long-estranged FILs statement that the sons promise is the LWs promise is utter horseshit. You might say, I hate my husband, because he has hurt you a lot in the past. Also, with the balance issues there probably arent many activities MIL can do entirely independently, unless the house has had major adaptations to it (railing etc), and I am willing to bet that is not the case. Understand that many of your expectations before marriage will crumble because living together often shows us their new traits. Its all well and good to lecture about having compassion for the stroke victim but LWs first priority needs to be the safety and well being of her minor children. Banking on getting a job right after graduation is not a good idea. And I feel bad that this column is being published right when shes having a baby, but this is when she wrote to me. If a new spouse cannot accept that, in my humble opinion (IMHO as the new generation says), the relationship is doomed. That contributes to your extreme hatred for your husband. ele4phant, Im with you. Life is unpredictable, and marriage is full of surprises. This is not the right time to blame your husband, but to evaluate your actions in the past. Well how nice of you to presume to know that about me. Had she never visited her? I agree with Wendy that caring for someone doesnt mean having to live with them and care for them yourself. I know its tempting to ask how the hell did LW get herself into this situation?, but the more important question is how to get out of it. to solve the problem. And I can just now stomach pineapple. She spent a good 10-11 years there and couldnt talk, write, speakI mean, I never had a full conversation with her. However, a husband attached to his mother at the hip might be more of a problem. And personally, I think a little sympathy would be more helpful in getting her to think rationally and kindly about the situation than telling her shes being entitled and being a bad person. We expect it to be a perfect partnership between two individuals in love who are ready to build a home. But before all the commenters go on parade, I will say I can feel from where this letter writer is coming from. Its one thing to say Look, I see youre living in very difficult circumstances, and that the stress of that is probably clouding your judgement. Now that you are married, you find it challenging to deal with these issues. Many wives say, Sometimes I hate my husband. The reason is that their husband stopped paying attention to them. No one had medical training either so that made it extra difficult. One such situation might make you say, I hate my husband. The first step to solving this problem is knowing why you cant see eye-to-eye with your spouse. So let me see if I understand this. He avoids you or avoids being alone with you. I bet if you come home with legal divorce documents and property settlement forms, he'll figure out how to deal with his mother. I didn't care because we were 16 & I kept secrets from my parents too so who cares. 3 Detrimental Effects of Lack of Communication in Marriage, Marriage Is Not About Your Happiness but Is About Compromise, The Importance of Date Night in a Marriage and Tips to Make It Happen, Indeed, you are lovers, but that doesnt take away the place of respect. But its nice to have a reminder that these judgements are only taking in account face value circumstances. Stay calm and think it through to evaluate your marriage and. The temporary hatred you feel often fades once your husband changes or you get what you want. If your husband doesnt care about your opinion or values but only what matters to him, it will cause a rift between you. June 18, 2015, 11:02 am. Everyone has a unique personality encompassing behavior, core values, cultural beliefs, and morals. Im an not saying she should get the thumbs up to just move out and leave her MIL as is. And honestly if a post stroke victim is living in shitty conditions maybe you can be a little more compassionate? (Right?) And I hate that because I love my husband so much and it would break my heart if he disliked my mom so much..but yet my mom and his are complete opposites. I think leaving when she no longer needs the financial help from the MIL and washing her hands of it just makes her seem crappy. Dear Wendy honeybeenicki I loved this response! Im sorry. The wives of covert narcissist husbands may feel a withering contempt wrapped up in a superficial long-suffering or "helpful" demeanor. Finally, you need get your own place and move out of your MILs house. The famous statement that, You might hate your husband because of the wrong ideas from. Marriage is full of ups and downs, and you might have forgotten each other as you navigate life. This isn't the first time. Know that youre not alone in this struggle, there are support groups for family members of stroke victims (try an internet search) It might be worth checking them out to get ideas from others in your situation about what they have done for care of their relatives when problem solving deficits are leading to unsafe living conditions. I guess Im one the posters that understands how stressful and difficult this situation must be for LW. Most wives hate their husbands because they hurt or offend them. Not only does she sound like a danger to her grandchildren or anyone else living with her, which youve made clear is your concern, she is a danger to herself. She probably should have figured this out sooner but she didnt. Well, it turns out that his mom felt attacked. Turns out my daughter had tried to wake him up for juice, his mom told her not to wake him and that she would get it for her. High moral principles. something random If these things suddenly stop in marriage, you may hate your husband. If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married. I'm laying in bed with our baby and am shaking from anger. Sorry, but is the MIL is that bad off, she belongs in a place where she can be looked after 24/7 and there senior citizen apartments that have such care that comes with them. I have mentioned that I love living now? She never lets him get discouraged. Seeking more interesting shared activities is fine, but she may not be creating any desire on the LWs part to be in her company. Work on building a positive relationship and focusing on the good . You wont see such a trait when you are courting because he is a good pretender. Much of your resentment clearly stems from what you consider a sub-par living environment for you and your kids. And I wasnt even the primary care giver! BLOG. . I read it too quickly the first time and thought you wrote Not that I think you have experienced instead of not that I think you have to have experienced It changed the whole tone. However, its just for a short while. But she did and now I cant help feeling for her, a little bit. However, it doesnt always work like that. And I dont think the anger the commenters are feeling is inappropriate, either. something random For those of you who have been raised by loving parents, even in difficult economic circumstances, this must seem like a no-brainer, a challenge but a sacrifice that any moral person should be willing to make. I mean, think about how you would want to be treated by your own children then apply that to your parents or your partners parents. Like other things in life, it has its problems. I really think they should move out and rent awhile and find an alternative way to take care of the MIL. 4. Everytime I hear her on the phone to dh she's. Other than that she needs care and if you could afford a nursing home that could be an option but lots of nursing homes cost $4000 per month so not very affordable for the average family. What does it mean to. This helpfulness demonstrates that he is being a "good spouse.". From your original comment I wouldnt have known. totally abandon her) as soon as you no longer need what shes been giving. What I find even more awful than wanting to just flat out abandon her is your complete lack of compassion for this woman, and how youre allowing her to, as Wendy put it, rot in her own filth in her bedroom. You do know that years ago it wasnt well known that babies shouldnt have honey, right? Its a daunting prospect to consider and I dont blame the letter writer for wanting out (on a purely emotional level). June 18, 2015, 9:37 am. She was conscious and present, but she physically had difficulty even just doing that. You could find a place nearby so your husband could still go over regularly. How? It could be sitting down with her and going over finances and researching programs she could apply for to help pay for this kind of care (and even contributing to that care if one is in a financial position to do so). Why do I hate my husband? For example, a clumsy husband scatters the room every chance he gets can create stress. Keeping a promise and caring for another these things sound great on paper. Sometimes in order to be a good person, you have to accept crappy circumstances, and I dont think its wrong to acknowledge that you dont like it. They are dependent on him or her and should, and hopefully will, always be their parents' first priority. to change some behaviors, it is better to accept that his flaws will always be part of him. Eh, somebody would probably be far less stressed out (and hopefully much less bitchy) had she NOT decided to have yet another baby while both she and her husband are, apparently unemployed, broke, oh, and uh, homeless. June 18, 2015, 9:38 am, I like Wendys response. Your marriage, whether he stopped sending flowers or stopped going on dates! Has a unique personality encompassing behavior, core values, cultural beliefs, I! 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A trait when you hate their husbands because they hurt or offend them husband, Mike * to a!
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