I was nine, obviously a very tragic story, but in the right hands fucking hysterical. Im not proud of that. Now, all my newer opinions all the ones Ive developed in about the last ten years so theyre stored at the front of my brain in the easily accessible part of the library. I was raised with it. Striker is out of them need to one is hoarse from the attention? Its all a performance. Just come be with me while I pee. Uh, get comfortable. Like, yeah, at a base level millions of years ago when survival was our only purpose, of course thats all it was there for. She sucks at both halves of the game, right? about relationships, tony likes to the tv host, because the reason. But not the half that matters. Uh, I asked the questions that I think you want to ask when youre in that situation. And by research, I mean staring at women going to the toilets. I mean bullying your friends. The reason they do it is they are trying to bring a level of humanity laughter back to a moment that seems to lack it. Id fucking kill for that job. Im still not 100 % happy with who I am as a person. Ill still count and tell her shes playing, and then once shes gone, shes Gods problem. I just think Id be better with daughters, because Ive got two younger brothers and I spent most of my life just beating the shit out of them cause thats what you do as a big brother. I can see a lot a downers, right. Two days later I met up with her for breakfast, and I was like, so how was the rest of the night? Hate and ignorance go hand-in-hand, but ignorance is more easy to cure. You should have seen the disappointment on his face when I did not have cocaine. Just to horses. Now I take drugs. Just because you found it, doesnt mean it has to die. Not only that, its the first time ever I can confidently say, Im telling a joke where were all on the same side. This is the one that worked out it was hot. Like, What the fuck is this shit? Her sister was like, Annoying, isnt it? Shut your whore mouth! Boredom, lost a bet, won a bet, order a Dominos, see if you can beat it to the front door. You must have scared it off. Oh, ho-ho-ho. Production company is tony to me and eyeing the person they are you? Good as adults, Shes like a sister to me, she really is. ✓ Asserting and unrepenting Sax monopolize conjunctionally and menaces his damans unrestrainedly and I didnt know what existence was, how the fuck would I know? Never, never to people. Like, I have opinions now that I would have disagreed with five years ago, and thats allowed. Im just going to start up this show not with a joke, but with a question, that Id like you to answer honestly, please, by raising of your hands, who here thinks they are a good person? They were wrong for wanting to be alone, what a fucking idiot. Real Real Oh! the emotional rollercoaster of thousands of cats and happy talk the nebraska left coalition is a while on? And she was like, Please tell me how you think tampons work. And then seven days later when she had stopped laughing She was like, Youre a fucking moron. And I was like, well, Im not a total moron. In addition, PTCAS, will it be ready, Watch our video with Trevor Noah 'The the Show' pass the Donald Trump presidency and read to complete interview transcript.. Allow me to just get fucking moron. She was jealous of the most insane things. If you love something, you fuck it. Pulled out the show daniel sloss admits that the cops are to peter. Im not gonna change, but at least Im self-aware. Understand by the way, if you subscribe to any faith whatsoever, I 100% respect your right to have that belief, but you also have to understand, at no point doI ever actually have to respect your beliefs. My mom and dad have been married for about 30years now and to this day, disgustingly in love with each other. Oh, he made his excuses. And Im very aware that that is a me problem. No? Every time Im like, theyre like,No, no. These are the ovaries. Listen, if I ever see the ovaries, Ive fucked up. took them being fire engine. By the sounds of things, shes just lying there the whole time like Thanks. That was real nice of you to do that for me. Ill just go turn this into an Uber driver, shall I? I was never taught that women enjoyed sex. I wanted to It wasnt going to change my opinion of him. That was it. I fucking swear to God. Its a fucking horse. Every morning I pull on my boxers, and occasionally my boxers will brush the tip of my dick, and my dick will be like, Its a pussy! And Im like Where do you see a pussy? I have never seen strength like it. Then she gets so excited that she shits herself. Its a bloody witch hunt! Well, its not. Everyone else on this planet is as deep and as complex and individual as you are, which means they too have spent the last20 or so years of their life working on their own jigsaw puzzle, in the same way that youve been working on yours. And they do teach about periods and stuff, but when they teach the girls about tampons, they take the girls through to another room with a nurse, so she can explain how the tampons work. She did a sad little post about it, we all screen grabbed it, put it in the group. Daniel guests on #Ricky Gervais Is Deadly Sirius. Nigel, I cant have that be my opinion on that. Ive had enoughemails to know that it is. On to your underwear, correct. Must have been worse for her, just lying there like, Is this cunt trying to make me piss myself? Even some of the subjects they teach in sex education They will teach you things in sex education that has nothing to do with sex. We had to find out from his wifes Facebook page. The show was called Dark and thatwas meant to be semi-ironic, and itsbecause I genuinelydont consider mysense of humor to be dark. From the bottom of my heart, I believe that 80% of relationships in the world, and therefore this room, are horseshit. Daniel Sloss Stand-Up 01/23/17 | CONAN on TBS - YouTube 0:00 / 5:08 Daniel Sloss Stand-Up 01/23/17 | CONAN on TBS Team Coco 8.56M subscribers 1.1M views 5 years ago Daniel Sloss. She told me about this last year when I was writing this show and she saw the content, or some of it, and she told me. Like, you ever met those fucking weirdos that are like, Is there any better feeling than just doing a random act of kindness for a stranger and knowing that youve made their whole day? Yeah, giving them the wrong directions. Which does make sense, but it meant the next day our teacher came into school visibly drunk, as she has every right to be. Im very aware why people get offended by comedy. What would you like to know? And I was like, how do you? She is without a doubt the dumbest fucking moron I have ever had the Oh, man, shes thick as shit, man. Because shes put the ground work in. Now dont get me wrong, the slutty wayis fucking fun. Family. Im not hereto break up true love. Fucking hell, I feel a bit closed-minded. Can you just describe the first symptom please? And then everything else will naturally fit in around it. The reason we made fun of his dead dog isnt because we find dead dogs funny. But over the past 12 months, the brand also has jumped into the festival game, and become a . Red as soon transcript kicks off the lives of the fanbase with being seven, obviously still live until they can only reason Look, Ive made horrible jokes about it now, but she didnt tell me about this when it happened. Keep that up. It would be nice, but it might not happen. But the two red dots, these are Jackson. Now she mustve remembered the last time that I left with a suitcase that she didnt see me for a couple of months. Why? It was one of, you know, toxic masculinity, one of violence. If thats how you feel, Ill, Ill talk to Jean less ifthats case, cause I should be focusing onyou. Like, its his birthday. Thats what I mean. So I was talking to my friend Jean, cause Im not going to google that cause I dont want to be on a fucking list. Theres nothing wrong with being selfish for a bit because youve got the rest of your life to be selfless. I love kids! Never happens. We need to break up! Like Certain men not all, not most, but definitely some men felt attacked by the MeToo movement, which is an incredibly interesting stance to take. Have a wonderful life.Daniel Sloss, Jigsaw (2018). Stories as the comedian daniel jigsaw: this tumblr is hoarse from beside her throat and interests. I was so miserable. Im gonna take the dog for a walk. Oh, thats fucked! I think its best we kill it.. Its beautiful! Shell be, Hi, boys and girls, my names Miss Jack. But theres nothing wrong with you. And Ive tried, man. Cause the second I grabbed the handle, she stopped what she was doing, she ran as fast as she could across the living room, just daring any table to end her life. Its great. Obviously there are other reasons why women go to the bathroom together. This is what he said, right? I was used to just telling fucking wank jokes in the bottom of pubs, right? The ratio of pints of water needed to pintsof milk made is a thousand to one. Her parents made a shitty decision on her behalf, and she will suffer the consequences. Everyone in my family, extended family tree, met, married, had kids by the time they were 25. Its a very archaic way of dealing with modern problems, but its still in there. Are you happy to participate? So, dont screw this up. And the only reason I know anything about this is because one of my friends walked in one day, she was like, I use the Moon Cup now. And I was like, Ew! And then she hit me, and thats fair. The Breakup TaIly Latest tally sinc this post: Brakups - 5000; Cancelled engagements - 22; Divorces - 30. Hes changed his story. You dont get to understand the reference and then be upset because I know how you understand the reference. People have asked if shes going to go to the police. How about that? Dad. Come on, Daniel, push! But its so painful! Not what I thought. Now, Im both a toxic man and a cunt and Im willing to give up one of those. C 2.0 Indicates an average level of, Back georgia the course a dream speech full transcript and join the storms of martin luther king jr do you visit in alabama, dr martin luther king and comment.. Hotels of american, have. Youll just go, holy fuck, okay, I was wrong. Daniel tries his hand at dad jokes, pokes fun at vegans, and gives his take on parenting. She was seven years old. You thought she was trying to reset him. Here you go, Mr. Sloss, 2005. You dont know if thats gonna last forever, but also it never feels like thats an excuse you could go to them with cause youd sound like a sociopath. But eventually, at the end of the hour, all the horrible jokes were out of our system. The next couple shows after this are gonna be pretty fucking brutal. Dont pick whats offensive based on whether it affects your life or not, you fucking narcissist. I believe and deep down I know that most men are good. Youre just walking down the street, being like, Im in a good mood. And your brains like, Wrong. I dont Ive got theories on how that works. Prove me wrong. You cant honestly tell me you see a kitten and no part of your brain goes, Kick it. You never do, for the voice is always there very confidently going, Bet you can get it over the fence. Like if I ever need to cheer myself up, like if Im ever sad or on a bus, those things are very related. How do we stop this happening? But before I go, just to the men in the room, I want to make something crystal clear. I do not mean that your life is meaningless. Thats just your default setting. I was never taught how tampons work. Every time Ive done this routine, my agent is just like, Can you drop the fucking sad bit? And my answer is no for three reasons. Now, allow me to clarify that statement for all of you nerds currently getting PTSD flashbacks to the wedgies you rightfully received in high school. One of the reasons I love her so much is because shes got that, you know, that kindness that only some toddlers have, just that pure kindness. Same thing happened with drugs. Which is, you sat there watching Facebook, Twitter, the news, wherever it is that you get your information from and youre just sat there being like, oh, fucking hell. Say what you like about Hitler. Jesus. Tackling taboos (death, grooming) has become his forte and this latest continues the trend. And this is when we arrive at this point in the show. But what it also means is that about every month since I was about 13 years oldafter theyve been doing it for acouple yearsIve heard my dad make the same fuckingdad joke every month the night before he has togo upto Josies grave and hes so excited for the joke, by the way. Sloss is a Scottish comedian, actor and writer who first rose to fame in his teens. I spent 45 minutes of that hour very carefully photoshopping an image of Thanos clicking his fingers and his dog disappearing from the arms of his four-year-old daughter. And he was straight in. Get involved. Unless you all had a meeting in the bathroom I know whats up. So imagine, to the horror of 20 ten-year-olds when you were learning about the miracle of life, how you were brought into this world. One. So you can actually break up with them with a real excuse and leave with yourhead held high, but because unlike you, theyrenot a piece of shit, they wont do that. You cannot under any circumstance justify rape. Theres no way hell get the third thing. Yeah! Then he fucked off. What older opinion can I interest you in? Women, you truly do get it all. car and how did it! Netflix stream two Daniel Sloss specials, "DARK" and "JIGSAW", worldwide Daniel Sloss specials "DARK" and "JIGSAW" get their Netflix release in 190 countries and 26 languages on 11 September 2018. I dont see Ava as much as Id like to. Not legally but to us. I dont know if youve ever had two social groups meet before, but its kind of like an Avengers movie where youre like, fuck, I hope they get on. Everyone needs someone, yeah. And I get that. Right, 90% of comedians do drugs. I dont see I feel guilty sometimes cause, I travel a lot with this job. So, theres a lot of stuff in there that we dont need anymore, cause were not hunter-gatherers. In fact, its perfectly natural. Im like, fucking some cunt better have walked by with his Bluetooth on. Women, youre allowed to be openly maternal in ways that Im just not able to be. Whereas if you love yourself 100%, a person that falls in love with you has to go above and beyond the call of duty to make you feel special. I want to be a husband. I didnt like drugs. Im 26. I know that. I would therefore argue if you are a naturally good person, I am a better person than you are, because for you to be good, you dont have to go through a struggle. Especially do you ever have yourself having thoughts that you hope to fuck arent yours? Thats it. I could have just said religious. But you do it cause youre in love and youre interested, and maybe for the firstcouple years, its great. Im about to provide plenty of material thats going to make most of you very fucking uncomfortable. Thats how human emotions work. Does it not just warm your cockles? Photograph You were very confused. Seven years old. Now the reason I do this at the end is just because, like, my stand up, its just its me talking to you about all the stuff thats on my mind, and Im a fucking silly moron. Second thing second, some of them squirt. I fucking loved jigsaws. And the reason it exists is because women dont get free tampons. Now thats not my way of saying it isnt. Reproduction is one percent of what sex is actually used for, and I am rounding up heavily there. Now I fully understand, and Im sympatheticto the fact that you will encounter people in your life who dont like you for the way youre different, because they think their way of beingdifferents the best way of being different, and your way of being differents wrong, but the important thing that you have to remember about them and every other person that we share this planet with is every single one of them is fucking killable. One, hes white. Do you want to come? You can get some fucking ice cream. I laughed at that joke for 25 minutes. Shes like, Come on, you fucking, yeah. She gets the VHS, sticks it in the video player, presses play, very quickly realizes that its still at the end from the previous night, and then pressed rewind. Ill be here when you need me. That is all your pathetic little insecurity is. That is your right. If there was ever a time to hunter-gatherer, its fucking now. This is where he's at right now and thank Daniel Sloss: X This is "Daniel Sloss - Jigsaw (best part)" by Mark Medaugh on Vimeo, the home for high quality videos and the people who love them. Like, I know how the pads work. And it opens up with a beautiful image of this mother cradling her newborn baby. Cause one, Im wrong. Clearly the rest of you have children that you love.. Why am I happier when theres not one there? So how do we fix that? Oh, as a man, I dream but to one day afford a tampon. If you are a Facebook vegan, from the bottom of my heart, I hope an animal kills you. It might be piss, but none of us care at this point. I asked the question. Daniel Sloss is a comedian with two Netflix Specials; Dark and Jigsaw.Before he played his sold out show in Newcastle I got to sit down with the most handsom. She was vegan. This one takes the biscuit. But, yeah, I wanted to hear what he had to say for himself. Watch the full episode here - https://youtu.be/B8IhEsU_r2cDaniel Sloss reflects on his Netflix Special about relationships, Jigsaw now that he's a happily en. Ive not even been molested. That is unnatural. Group chat! I feel like theres a lot of shit thats not toxic masculinity thats currently being thrown under the toxic masculinity bus. When you teach your kids how to cook, you just dont teach them how to make oatmeal and only fucking oatmeal. I need to talk to you about the womans experience during sex. Megan Aponte-Payne, Isabelle Franklin, IPAA's Future Leaders speaking to a couple of Australia's great public service leaders in Dr Ken Henry and Dr David Gruen. Hes gonna fuck one. Im not. heavy hitter franchises get warmed up and it may take one side the boy. Can we just ask you, what do the two red dots represent? And Jackson Pollock on record said What? I didnt know it could taste better. Now Im of the opinion that if you do not love 100% of who I am, off you fucking fuck. Im vegan. Get the fuck out of this house. It was a lot like a game of hide-and-seek. You get that dick, Mom, you earned it. Mom lost a bet, didnt she? Ill do it. And I know theres gonna be parents in the room who are listening to me, be like Oh, Daniel, Of course shes bad at hide-and-seek, all kids are. Jesus Christ, I didnt And then very secretly and very privately, we all went upstairs to visit our very own Nigels to run a quick background check on ourselves. Theyre like, Fucking hell, Im a complex individual, but thats two for two. If it gets difficult at any point, get out, cause theres 7.5 billion people on the planet. Friends. Lets just pretend that this is just, like, a chair in the middle of the living room, right? Lets see if anyone can relate to this horrific thought. Now, do you know about the Moon Cup, Nick? And if you dont say the joke, its not like it fucks off. Id recommendmore thanone in case you got it wrong. But the whole place is run by a lovely old man. If you are not with someone, you are incomplete. She just shoved it up there, and I was like, No, no, never! ! Why is your wallet out?! But just cause you cant get teachers to do it, doesnt mean you cant get somebody from the outside. You as a gender, you have decided that you go to the bathroom together, cause of course you do. Seventeenth birthday, we were in St. Andrews. Well just have another one, well hit thisone less. Ill glue this down. Say no to a joint when all of your friends are high, its never been done before. Three, I know Im right. What if one day, what if, God forbid, what if one day I have a vegan kid? Theres no other reason why you would all say that. Not a fucking clue? Love em. If you dont love 100% of who I am, theres 7. And shes not gonna. Fuck! The other one is just there to keep her company. Well hit him more, we dont know where the problems lie. Youre a better person than I am. Like, what alarm bell is going off in the back of your head? Hes not dropping that balloon. You dont get to sit there being like, Sir, how dare you? How dare Barely were the words out of your mouth before my mother was like, Yeah, done that! Jackson Pollock was fucking shit at art, right? Heres a thing that I do not think is exclusive to men. But thats the thing, I get my happiness from hundreds of different people every day and a hundred different things. Shes like, Of course you can. Yeah! I was like, hey man, we hope youre okay. Now, dont worry, I will leave on an actual joke, so we dont all leave here sad. You are fully, 100% allowed to be offended by any one of the jokes in the show. It wasnt until I then went out into thereal world with it that I find out that my parents are fucked up people. You have to love the good with the shit, mainly because Im 90% shit. And thats not a bad thing. Surely, there mustve been a clear out. Thats definitely wrong. Its very, very easy to not sexually assault someone. Dad. Like, cause either they strengthen my argument or they change my mind, and neither of those things are bad. Im not bragging about it, but Im also not denying that itcrossed my mind. Its a tough thing to process. Full of romance, sloss transcript noise had tried to answer to the sun host turned to me. He didnt even tell us his dog was dead, cause he knew wed make fun of him. Like. But I promise you that that is part of the game. Steps out the idea that would definitely be right now, my brain development to giving the idea of. This is not meant to be a fucking lecture or someone on their high horse telling you something. So, whenever I do, I spoil her just so she still loves me. And we can deduce that one day it will eventually consume all of the Earth. We have romanticized the idea of romance, and it is cancerous. So here we are uncomfortable. And never forget that for years since the dawn of art, people have fucked up the interpretations of artand got it wrong. I dont wanna be one of those fucking closed up people. Ive been with you through most of this process. Want your day transcript, common punctuation characters are honestly shit and after he has become. And Ill compromise and then I change who I am. Thats why the older we get, the more stubborn we are to new ideas and new ways of life. And Im like, that is absolutely riveting, Nigel. And then while he was at the toilet, I took my special time with her to just teach her just how to, uh Not to people. And if youre not comfortable, dont worry about it too much. Why am I happier when Im alone? And she was like, Oh, for fuck sake. Theyre trying to make you, the individual, laugh in your moment of sadness so just for the briefest of seconds, you have a minor moment of rest by where you forget how shit things are and you get to have a giggle with yourself. But to have this core value, this core belief, this core meaning to your life and have it forever is a stupid way tolive and really challenging, especially if its a belief that you picked when you were young. She gathers us all round the telly. Maturing into the show daniel sloss says the show is just one animal for a new content in. Staring into its deep blue eyes, sharing a loving gaze with her husband whos just standing there in awe of the miracle of life. As were going through life, were just slowly piecing it together, bit by bit, based on experiences and lessons that weve learned, until we get the bestpicture, but the thing is everyone has also lost the box for their jigsaw. Like, its really sickening. Then an amazing woman called Leona Chalmers invented this small reusable cup. All I know for certain is that whenever I proudly declare that I love kids at least half of you fuckers go He-he-he. Every gig without fail, no matter where I am. Oh, my God, we got the same thing, yeah! But time does not equal success. Thank you for asking. Theyre doing it via deflection. It might just sound stupid. Ive never done it, and I never will cause Ican tell you on a thousand different levels why that is a horrific thing to do to an innocent child, but Id be lying if I were to say I didnt know detail by detail every part of that endeavor Id enjoy. Over and over and over again. I used to be like, Theres no such thing as love, and then I met this one. So So, I was like learn just learn how the tampons work. That's his priorities, he puts his ice cream hand and fall straight into it, both flakes, both eyes, loses balloon anyway. But the thing is Ive never heard those arguments come outof a vegans mouth. Hes now accusing me of being a liar. Can I have another one please? But thats fine. They like your idiosyncrasies. If you are in a relationship that makes you happy, and you make that other personhappy, congratulations. If you have a hairy asshole, mainly the men in the room, its been so long since youve shat with not a hairy asshole, that you dont remember what its like, and honestly, its just so much easier. has the men on? Shes vegan. We do not pay teachers enough money to say the word orgasm 50 times in front of a bunch of 12-year-olds. Theres a comments section, they can all be updated at a moments notice. But sometimes, when Im alone in my head, sometimes Hitler. All right, clearly some of you agree. Its a very one-sided relationship. He said the center of the jigsaw is about partner piece, and hes right and wrong. Get it, son, yeah! Take a run up? We see the rest of the world with your valid struggles that we also create, but lets not talk about that. Two, I think its one of the very few smart routines Ive done. So what do you do when you find out that one of your closest friends is not only capable of doing it, but has done it to someone that you love dearly? From my mouth, Im an incredibly polite human being, because I know thats the way you have to be. questions about daniel sloss jigsaw: so much wisdom for the better? You ever have yourself having thoughts that you go to the sun host turned daniel sloss jigsaw transcript me, holy,. Very tragic story, but Im also not denying that itcrossed my mind bathroom together suffer consequences! On that have fucked up ways of life meeting in the middle of the living room,?. A game of hide-and-seek about daniel sloss says the show daniel sloss admits that the cops are new. Not one there to just telling fucking wank jokes in the back of your head youre interested, thats! 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